Today I am giving the farm away and you’re getting it for free!
If you follow the advice below you will be amongst the ranks of Super Coaches before you can say “I don’t get out of bed for less than 50 grand”.
Please feel free to heap praise on me in the comments and send me some cash if you really like.
Then spend the rest of your week pimping this post on Social Media, as that alone will guarantee you 10 or so clients.
1) Any old website will do, the cheaper the better as you have other things to spend your hard earned money on. Aim for a free website that you don’t even host.
The fact that you don’t technically own your own content and you cannot impact the SEO in any meaningful way and get traffic to it, is a mere bagatelle.
2) Do NOT have your phone number on your website. You don’t want bothering by pesky potential clients when you’re getting your nails done.
Make everybody fill in a long form and then have one of those really difficult captcha boxes at the end of it.
If they can figure what the hell the word is in under 3 attempts then get a more difficult one because you only want really committed clients.
3) Have as many calls to action on your home page as possible to give visitors plenty of options.
Ask them to sign up for your newsletter, hire you, sign up for your blog, buy your ebook, subscribe to your course and donate to your favorite charity that cares for homeless otters.
4) Avoid having any pictures of you on your website. It would be self indulgent and vain to let people see what you look like, especially if you’re not stunningly good looking.
If you insist of having a picture of yourself, make sure it’s at least 20 years old, grainy and you’re scowling.
Life Coaching is a serious business and there’s no room for people smiling and having fun.
5) Make sure the About Page clearly shows that you have a perfect life. People want perfect lives and nobody want to hire a Life Coach who hasn’t nailed life themselves.
Would you go to a doctor who once got sick, or a hairdresser with a receding hairline?
Of course not, because it would be quite apparent they don’t know what the fuck they were doing.
Blogging on Life Coaching
6) Blog whenever you feel like it or when you have a spare 5 minutes to throw something up there.
Potential clients will love stories about your pets, your partners urinary tract infection and how you once stroked a dolphin.
7) Do NOT worry about blogging on topics you know nothing about.
If you once heard about an NLP technique from a friend of a friend that she thought cured some guy of Stage 4 brain cancer, write a post on it!
As long as you sound authoritative and confident, that’s all that matters because people won’t know if it works or not.
Ok, so one or two people may get negative results trying it out, but that’s not your fault, it’s not like they paid you any money or shit like that, is it?
8) Ridicule anybody who disagrees with you in the comments.
If you think they may have a point or there is a growing number of people disagreeing with you, you have two options.
Delete their comments and then close the comments entirely.
Or better still – edit their comments to make it look like they are agreeing with you and then block their IP address so they can’t come back and respond.
You’ll look like a genius!
9) Don’t worry about SEO and certainly don’t read this post SEO Made Easy For Life Coaches – it’s for geeks with too much time join their hands.
You haven’t got time to be worrying about meta descriptions, alt tags and long tailed keywords (whatever the hell they are) when American Idol is on.
10) If you can’t think of anything to blog about just copy a favorite blog post from somebody else’s site.
As long as you change one word in every 1,000 it’s perfectly legal to do this as copyright laws aren’t the same on the Internet.
11) There is no need for a social media strategy. In fact it’s a waste of time.
Much better to open as many account as possible, posts links to your material only, buy a load of followers off Fiverr and ignore everybody else.
12) Make sure you get into as many arguments on Facebook as possible to show you know your shit.
Never back down, and unfriend anybody who disagrees with you.
13) Air any marital problems on Social Media.
If you find your partner in bed with a goat, tell the world. It will make you look more human.
14) Take quotes off Pinterest and then crop the person or companies name off who designed them.
Then simply apply your own name and repin it.
15) If you find a brilliant quote that isn’t very well known or the origin is unknown, claim it!
Put your name on it and then share it on every Social Media platform. You’ll look like the second coming of Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain rolled into one.
16) You can’t really do that with famous quotes so you need to be a bit more creative. Take a famous quote and just change it a tad and hey presto it’s now your quote.
“Be the change you would love to see in the world” – Tim Brownson
17) Ignore new Social Media trends at all costs.
This stuff is complicated and how can you be expected to know about a trending new SM platforms when it’s nap time?
Let “If it worked 5 years ago, then it should work today” be your motto when it comes to Social Media.
18) Don’t have a picture of yourself on your avatar.
The best option is to have nothing at all and keep people guessing and look mysterious.
But if you insist on having a picture of you, make sure you’re wearing Groucho Marks glasses, big nose and mustache – people will think it’s hysterical.
Working With Clients
19) If you had a late night on the vodka and feel like shit it’s ok to cancel client calls at the last minute, they will understand.
20) The other alternative is to tell them your Internet is down and you can’t get on to Skype.
Then have a couple of shots of tequila (purely for hair of the dog purposes) and do the call on the phone lying in bed with the TV on (just keep the volume down).
21) All Life Coaches can multi-task and I expect your no different, so it’s fine to be checking e-mails and chatting with friends on Facebook when talking on the phone to clients.
I once redecorated an entire room whilst listening to a client ramble on about suicide or something like that – I can’t really remember now.
22) If a client starts to cry tell them to get their shit together stat because you’re a Life Coach not a Wuss Coach and then laugh heartily at your own brilliance.
23) Advise your clients what to do all the time and point out their faults as much as possible.
If she tells you she is happily married but you suspect things may not be quite as rosy in the garden as she is making out, try and undermine her marriage by suggesting he’s probably having an affair when he claims to be on an oil rig working.
After all, it’s our job to help clients to think differently.
24) If you have had a tough week tell all your clients.
It’s fine to kick off a session with something like “This has been a bummer of a week and I’m stressed to fuck. I could do with a glass of wine or some more xanax I can tell you”
If they start to talk about themselves, tell them how rude they are and that you’re the coach not them and as such will decide the topic for discussion.
25) If you can’t get any clients don’t worry, just call your self a Life Coaches Coach and advise that you offer to help other Life Coaches build their practice.
Then lurk around on message boards where Coaches hang out touting for business and making all sorts of outrageous claims about your ability to help other coaches get to the point where they are beating clients away with a stick.
There I think that pretty much covers it but if you have any tips of your own, please let me know in the comments.