Probably about once a week somebody leaves the Coach The Life Coach Facebook group because they take offense at something somebody else said – usually me.
That’s happened three time this last week.
1. I Feel Attacked
In the first instance a woman asked for advice about which career path to take.
I responded that I didn’t think it was wise asking complete strangers for such advice.
That she needed to figure that out herself taking her values into consideration.
Or even hire a professional career coach who could really drill down and get to know her.
She then went off on one saying she had made herself vulnerable and I should respect that and not attack her.
And before I had chance to explain futher she deleted the thread and left the group.
2. I Don’t Feel Valued
After I asked people what they would do if they had $5k to invest in the business a lady replied that she’d spend it on doing free workshops to help as many people as possible.
A noble and kind gesture I think we can all agree.
However, it confused one coach who said that she could do that anyway as there are plenty of free, or almost free, community rooms where she could offer workshops.
That wasn’t appreciated at all.
In fact she was pissed.
At the end of her response she said this ‘Thanks for letting me know how much my response to this group is valued’.
That was weird, presuming that one question from a group of over 2,000 coaches was in any way reflective of what the group as a whole thought of her.
3. I Feel Offended
The third person to make a dramatic exit did so because I mocked somebody’s attempt to sell to me on LinkedIn with a spammy email that no doubt went to thousands of other people.
I found the message the guy sent me amusing because the grammar was so bad. I mean really bad for anybody who speaks English as a native language.
It also broke just about every rule in the book when it comes to building relationships and adding value BEFORE you try and sell to somebody.
She thought I lacked compassion and said I should have just deleted the message rather than responding as I did.
Also, she suggested I start coaching the guy via email and was concerned that I used the abbreviation ‘WTF’ in my reply to him because she saw that as swearing.
She went on to say she was frustrated because she found the group useful but didn’t like the fact I mocked somebody else’s work.
Then after a number of people agreed with me so posted this:
If acting like a bully is acceptable to all of you, enjoy your lives… hate breeds hate. Exit stage left!!
I’d like to have asked her if she was being pursued by a bear (Shakespeare joke), but she’d gone.
Shortly after Obama got re-elected I received an email late one Saturday night from a lady on my newsletter list.
I’m an open book when it comes to my political leanings. It can quite reasonably be seen as unwise to talk politics as a coach, but I’m not always wise and I have done….a lot.
It’s almost a branding issue for me and I’m very vocal on social issues and I doubt that will ever change.
It doesn’t mean I don’t work with people who have contrary political opinions, I do regularly, just that I like being transparent.
I can’t remember now what it was I’d said that annoyed her, but I can only presume the lady was not a fan of Obama’s because here’s what she said verbatim:
‘Why don’t you fuck off back to England you Queen loving Limey bastard’
I was sat in bed at the time doing some stuff on my laptop as my wife did whatever women do before coming to bed.
I read the email and just collapsed laughing.
I was laughing so hard my wife came back into the bedroom from the bathroom to see what was going on.
I couldn’t speak so I showed her the email.
She was annoyed and felt insulted even though it was aimed at me.
Taking Offense Is A Choice
As a coach I sincerely hope you understand that taking offense is always a choice. There are never any exceptions.
When we say that we are insulted, angry, humiliated, sad or whatever other negative emotion you care to think of because of something somebody else has said or done, it’s not true.
We made ourselves angry, nobody else.
We’re not born with an innate inclination to take offense, we have taught ourselves to react that way. You don’t see two-year-olds taking offense.
There is a space between somebody saying or doing something and our response.
It isn’t a cause and effect. More a cause, interpretation, effect.
And it’s the interpretation that initiates how we feel.
Here’s what happens when somebody aims some criticism or insult our way.
We hear what they say and then with lightning speed we run it through our belief system and ask ourselves, ‘what does this mean?’
Depending on the answer that comes back, we then attach that meaning to the event irrespective of whether it’s the right meaning. Very often it isn’t.
Let’s suppose that we have been working together for a couple of months and I suddenly tell you that you’re an utter idiot and you have zero chance of ever making a go of being a successful life coach, how will you feel?
Probably shitty, insulted, sad, angry or a combination of a mixture of emotions. And you would almost certainly blame me for feeling that way.
Of course, I played a large role in the situation and what I said was pretty outrageous.
But, and it’s a big but, you still had an opportunity to choose a different response.
And you could have done that by asking yourself one simple question.
‘What else can this mean?’
This question does two things.
Firstly, it throws you into a reframing mindset that allows you to take back control of the situation and how you feel about it.
Secondly, it moves you into a state of curiosity.
The Power Of Curiosity
Curiosity can be incredibly powerful and is one of the few states that can kick the ass of negative emotions.
You cannot be curious and vindictive at the same time.
You cannot be curious and judgmental at the same time
You cannot be curious and offended at the same time
In 2001 I was carving through the North London rush hour traffic tucked behind an ambulance with its lights and sirens on
I was taking a lot of abuse and a couple of cars even tried to block me, but without success.
I’m sure people were thinking things like, how disgusting to use an ambulance to beat the traffic.
What a low life.
I hope he has an accident.
But what if they had asked themselves ‘what else can this mean?’ and shifted into a state of curiosity
It wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to have arrived at the conclusion that the car following the ambulance was doing so because a loved one was in it.
The reality of the situation was, my dad had had a stroke and was in the ambulance.
I’m highly confident that if the people in the other vehicles knew that then they would have given me the same courtesy the ambulance got.
What Else Can This Mean?
If the three people who stormed out of the group had asked themselves the simple question of ‘what else can this (or that) mean?’, it would have removed the need to feel offended or attacked.
‘’What else can this mean?’
Could Tim be genuinely trying to help me from getting poor advice? Is he concerned that the opinion of a complete stranger may influence my path in life?
Without the ability to see his body language or hear the intonation in his voice, could I be suspecting an attack that wasn’t there?
Was Julia just not sure what I meant and trying to help me do what I want to do anyway and without feeling like I needed $5,000 to start?
Is it possible she’s not even a native English speaker? Could it be that English is actually her third language, so nuance may sometimes be missing?
Was Tim just trying to highlight how not to write a sales letter whilst at the same time warning new coaches who may fall prey to such tactics.
Does he get inundated with spammy emails and does indeed just delete 99% of them?
And was he doing it with his tongue firmly in his cheek and having some fun with his dubious British sense of humor?
And in case you’re wondering, the answer to all those questions is, yes!
As coaches we need to realize when we may be jumping to erroneous conclusions and understand when our behavior is a choice.
That way we can then spot clients making poor coaches too.
Taking offense is always choice, but it’s rarely a useful one.
I highly doubt that the lady who sent me the email really thought I would read it and think ‘Hm, yeh she makes a good point, I’d better book the plane tickets because we’re going back home!’
No, she wanted to get under my skin and if I’d have responded by getting angry and offended, she’d have succeeded.
Instead she gave me a great laugh.
Every time you get offended you hand over control of the situation to the other person.
Do you really want to do that?
I’d love to read your thoughts in the comments and I promise not to take offence if you disagree.